BY  Edna St. Vincent Millay

 
We all have these things that just speak to us or perhaps shout at us, personal inside jokes. One of my things is trains. When I was younger I used to open my window up at night and lean out of it, looking at the stars and listening to the trains in the distance.


I also thought I would marry Peter Lawford...


...and fly yellow biplanes.

And of course, ride a bicycle and emanate an Audrey-esque aura.

One of the ways I cope is to make lists. Make lists of things that make me happy, to remind myself why I do what I do. Here is my latest list, in no particular order:

1. Feet covered in mud/dirt/grass from working outdoors
2. Bare feet
3. Homemade raspberry jam.
4. Mika music
5. Surreptitious flirting
6. Car rides with great music and friends
7. Long talks with my bestestest friend
8. The smell of homemade bread baking
9. Getting the giggles at the most inappropriate time with a dear friend
10. Getting away with something you maybe shouldn't have. ;)
11. Oranges
12. Hugs!
13. Hairy men...
14. Green-eyed, dimpled kiddos
15. Blue-eyed, smiley kiddos
16. Seeing an ex and realizing you really are over them
17. Hope, Hope, Hope
18. Financial aid for college. :D
19. Butterflies
20. Meeting someone and realizing you are going to be grand friends
21. Drinks with girlfriends
22. Dancing in the kitchen
23. Fresh flowers on my table
24. Someone else doing my dishes.
25. Realizing I have way more than 25 things that make me happy.

What I say: "Everything is going so good. Yeah, we are doing so great! Marriage is hard work but I just know that it will be worth it. In the end staying with him is the right thing."

What I feel: "I'm not sure if I have the capacity to love someone like I should. I don't know if it will be worth it. In fact most days I don't think it is. But that's just because I'm not sure marriage is for me."



I would but I don't know magic and the next pages are invisible. How can you turn a page that doesn't seem to exist?

  
  
And this time I would keep my damn legs closed.



I used to laugh the loudest, I used to be in the center of the action, I used to be the crazy, full of life, unstoppable girl. When did I become the quiet one in the shadows? Am I really a wallflower?

 

I don't even have the guts to say this isn't who I am because I'm starting to believe it may just be.

-with Nancy Sinatra & Dean Martin. See them here.

~"in-between times:" Like the period of time when your current favorite song just got old and you still haven't found a new favorite. And yet you play it anyhow and feel uninspired and slightly annoyed, but it's better than silence.
~that feeling  you get the second you realize you are not going to gracefully regain balance but instead your going to land HARD, on your derriere, and there are attractive witnesses.
~that awful feeling you get when your replying to texts and accidentally answer a call you probably would have formerly ignored.]
~getting all excited about a book because the back cover sells it and then finding out the book sucks, the marketer was just good

~rediscovering an old, old, old song that you find you still love and can play over and over again. Yippee.
~that priceless look on someone else's face the moment they realize they are not going to gracefully regain balance. hee hee
~the wonderful "ignore" option on most modern cellphones. :)
~feeling 'eh' about a book and then discovering it's truly wonderful.

  A few of my favorite things:
   ...warehouses full of beautiful organized stacks of merchandise.
   ...brand new box of colored pencils, everyone sharp and in it's place.
   ...the first crisp page of a new journal
   ...tupperware stacked and organized by size and color in a fridge
   ...labels and label makers
 
If I could box everything up neatly I would.



Sigh. Wounds are not meant to be boxed. They seep through cardboard boxes and sticky up their neighbor boxes. When placed in a sturdier box they escape, they explode. Most of us go through life building more elaborate boxes, more elaborate rooms. We fail to live. We are ruled by fear.

I choose to be ruled by love.


Found the photo here.